Now..

.....that I have a new desk, I have new ambitions.

Does it start like that, you get more and you start wanting more?

even if you don't have enough for more?

.....end of year and I can honestly say that this year has been good to me.

I have a job, I am healthy, I have a wonderful person by my side, ASMUN is still going on, my friends are doing well, my family is holding on and the weather was horrible for just one week of the whole year.

Could you possibly ask for more?

......finance are not doing great, but then again I never thought they would do well.

Money can't buy you love.

......I am going away this weekend to see the sea and sleep under the sun,

I can't stop thinking about this weekend.

Can you?

Please consider bigger dreams this up-coming year.

Consider the big dream that ties your stomach in knots that only he can de-tangle,

Consider actually holding on to what you've got and not what you don't have.

Please, for the millionth time, pick your battles.

Talk to yourself more about choices and decisions, about you car maintenance and your next December, talk to yourself more about intentions beyond actions, about inconsiderate people and the considerate ones.

"TALK TO YOURSELF",he said

Please let me be in my space.

and silence, do not disturb my silence.

Please know when I am tired and when I can't take being tired any longer.

And when you read this, please consider the up-coming line

"I have never loved any one as much"

I Had to Get It Out of the System

I hope you recognize the times I fought for you just as much as you recognize the times I let you down

Conversation II

"You make love songs sound naive and artless"

"It is "us" that make this both real and divine, not me alone neither you alone"

" I believe"

Will those blossoms last,

the serene house by the river?

Our vows, forgotten?

Drifting with the stream.

Shall darkness estrange us,

upon agony, will we walk?

Bitterness hindering,

the view of blossoms,

the river fades.

Shall our home remain,

where our peace and war lay.

Time, as the unknown

lose distance from me upon your sight

I wonder at the summer blossoms,

do flowers grow without pain?

I beg the moon to stay full,

for eternity.

Oh blossoms, if you stay

and the river never fades away

(In an attempt to translate Amel Donquol)

البديل | البديل » لأن الأحلام لا تموت: “البديل” يعود لقرائه

البديل | البديل » لأن الأحلام لا تموت: “البديل” يعود لقرائه

وردية أحياناً

أنا أم الإله
و أنا ابنتك المدللة
وأنا كل الجوع و أنتَ كل الحنان
فى حياتنا سوياً كافة الاحتملات
ولا تلعب الأقدار دورها المعتاد
علمتنى غش القدر
علمتنى الشعر
و مغازلة القمر
تسبح بداخلى
و تخرج
صائحاً بلغة لم تُعرف قبلك
أنا لا أنتظر اعتراف
فأنا أعلم جميع الأشياء
أعلم ما تريد قوله و متى
أنتَ لى
كل المدى
كيف تتعجب من كونى ما أكون
و أنتَ الذى سوانى أنا
أنا لك لإنى لكَ خُلقت
و أنتَ من خلقنى
و كل ما غيرنا صدى

Who's in?

Not so long ago I used to pay more attention to art in all forms, cultural exposure, gatherings of friends, travel plans, shopping, enjoying my five senses and adding colour to the lives I witness.
My priorities shifted a little over the past few months and it is time for some soul reviving activities:

1. Set my mind and time on finishing those books I started reading.

2. Read more.

3. Have a more organized calender of the happenings of the week.

4. Talk less and listen more.

5. Don't let the lack of money hold me back.

6. Engage in fruitful conversations, and only those.

7. Plan the Eid vacation ahead.

8. Write daily.

Conversation I

You shouldn't be wishing me luck nor strong will,
You should be wishing me irrationalism and randomness to survive this chaotic mess I was born into.
You shouldn't be wishing me sanity, inner peace, imagination or knowledge.
You shouldn't promise me change or even the hopes for it.

All you need to say is this,
"Live and let live"
In replies of that I tell you,
"Our justice will be served when it is time to leave the mess"

Right Now Would Be Good

I'm still waiting for you to come carry me,
run me out of this cell
without a word.

Until I'm able to function again,
know this,
I love you.

Just for the Sack of it

Change is inevitable,
Loved ones die, the perfect job, your career path, political stance, religious stance, social circle, best friend, favorite songs, mobile phone, favorite jeans, weather, homes, blood, favorite food, how fast you type, inspiration, the impossible, fashion, traffic, prespetives, feelings, money, your lighter, your wallet, the handbag you don't go without, markets, stocks, laws, shoe size, bra size, pants size, your whole size, pets, news, favorite candel scent, civilizations, races, how food tastes like, how you like your tea, how you like your eggs, babies are born, batteries die, trees grow, trees are cut down, cars break down, new cars are bought, files are misplaced, new files are made, boss is replaced, you hate the sun, you crave the sun, you hate people, you like them again, you are mainstream, you are individual......

الإنسان إبن الكلب ده
جاب الثوابت و المُسلمات و الإستموات على مجرد إعتقاد منين؟

Cocoon

Today there is a glass sheet between the world and me.
It won't dissovle.

"Let it Be....

You are hurting there, on the other side.
I am unable to react.

let it be......

I am silent when I am begged not to be.
I can't help it.

let it be.....

The sheet makes me visible yet not real.

let it be.....

Whispere words of wisdome....

let it be"

احتمال

تنقطع أنفاسى من وقت لآخر
و أحتاج إعادة تأهيل
و قد لا أسعى إليها
و قد لا تفهم سبب جمودى
هنا تولد المسافة
و تتسع مع كل شرود

physical vs. spiritual

When our bodies are close,
I can't escape listening to your heartbeat.
So tell me,
how could I escape your love if our airs intersect.

مكتوب

حاولت أن تشرح له أنها ليست خائنة
أنها لم تبعْ خططهم التى نسجوها من أحلامهم معاً
حاولت أن تفهمه أن أفعالها التى طالما اتصفت بالتمرد هى ما أعجبه فيها وقت لم يفهمه سواها
حاولت أن تجعله يرى كونها بكل وسعه و شموخه و عمقه
و أفعالها المعجونة فيها، فى دمها، فى الريح التى تسكن صدرها
ولا تستطيع تجاهلها لمجرد توسلاته أن تفعل أو لا تفعل
لم يشاركها كل هذه الألوان و الأبعاد
.فضًل الثبات

لم يكونوا محقين"

،بل محدودين

" قد ثبتوا مكانهم أيضاً

فشلت

رحلت
و هى تعلم أنها تتخلى عن حقها فى النظر خلفها
و تُرَسِّخ حقها فى المضى قدماً
......دون إبداء أسباب

First Puzzel Coming Together

Because each took a part of me they weren't meant to have.
Because now, I have none of the pieces left to give you.
Because you deserve so much more than pieces, you deserve a complete whole.
I was crying because one day you will learn that and you will leave.
I am afraid and there is nothing I can do about it.
Love me with all the missing pieces, because that's all there is to it.


I would apologize if it would've done good, but it won't.

M&A Beer Store (شركة ذات مسئولية محدودة)

This little fellow over here is more than you might think he is.
He twists and sings and flirts till you can't take all that charm at one shot.
Those brown curls soften my heart and that youthful skin heals what's left of me.

His courage, idealism and constant questioning of things keep my senses alert and my observation sharp.
His courage helps me believe in my own world more each day.

His strength multiplies to revolve around me forming this unforciable halo of tenderness and lust for life, of having the ability to try out everything and total belief that things will work out fine if we just let them be.


I am his proof of hidden forces and chemistry beyond human comprehension.

He is my proof of all things I wanted to prove existed without forcing them to be.

His lips are the sweetest wine there is to taste,
his finger stokes aganist my skin leave traces of a million stories waiting to be told.

Poems with his lips.
Sunrays with his skin.
Music with his presence.
Freedom with his love.

You get me, all that I have to offer is yours.

We just want to be happy.

Personal and Not Twisted

I've been putting things off for the lack of my financial abilities to do them, and it stresses me out.
I've always liked to believe that money doesn't matter. And to my surprise, I found out that it actually does matter a great deal.
List time....


Things to do this month:
1) Start those French courses I've been wanting to do ever since collage.
2) Get my laptop from the PC clinic.
3) Fix my car's right mirror.
4) Treat us to this nice dinner.
5) Take Kiki out for sushi.
6) Haircut?
7) Buy a navy polo shirt.
8) Decide on ASMUN
9) Get my driving lisence back.
10) Pay for the converse I told one of my shcool friends to buy me while she is in the States.


Since my blog is something I like to keep doing I decided to ease out on the twisted personal writings and make it a bit more comprehensible to the public.

So, I signed my contract that other week and you are now looking at the Internal Legal Advisor of this place (big titles while doing little things are fun). I'm expecting my business cards to arrive anytime.
I got into 2 air-fights with 2 different friends and still need to talk to my best friend about a couple of things but can't seem to find the time.

I want to vanish into thin air.

What I Don't Want Forgotten

اسطول الحرية
أزمة المحامين و القضاه
إعتصام العمال و الممرضين و المُعلمين
التزوير الفج الغبى لإنتخابات الشورى
خالد سعيد
محاكمتى و انا بريئة كل البراءة من شتى أنواع الظلم التى تحوطهم

Israeli Attack of the medical convory going harmlessly to Gaza
Escalation of the situation between Lawyers and Judges
Forgery of The Shura Council Elections
Sit-in of workmen, nurses and teachers
Khaled Saed
Judging the helpless creature of me while letting all of the above go uncared for

يريدونها سلمية
يجبرون دماءهم المراقة على غزو جسدى
يمجدون التغيير و يلعنوه ألف مرة
استسبق الاحداث
ارفض
ابحث عن حريتى قبل كل شىء
تعنيهم اسبابى و يفشلون فى استيعابها
العن
فتشوه الوجود أوله الاستسلام

إلتقاء الأرواح

لم يقتصر بحثى الدائم عنك على القصائد و الروايات
فهو يمتد إلى الصحف اليومية
و تداخل الأصوات
فى الأحجار الكريمة
فى غرف الانتظار
فى كتب القانون و السياسة و المدونات
حتى أوراق الشجر
لم تسلم من محاولتى العثور عليك فى كل الأشياء

Silence

I concentrated on day dreaming those working hours away.

I remember you and how you function.

I still insist that doing nothing counts as an activity, a worth doing activity.

إدعاء الثورة

فشلت كل محاولاتى لإيمانى بقدرٍ سواك
انهيت تساؤلاتى الدائمة حول مصير العالم
فلتذهب البشرية للجحيم
لتحل الفوضى
فبقاؤنا هنا قليل

Growing

I wear prints, all sorts of prints.
I'm very loud and I cuse often.
I lose attention easily.
I cry for very good reasons that I can't vocalize.
I talk before I think.
I'm vain.
I can't stand my family sometimes.
I get nervous break downs.
I like appreciation.
I like red nail polish.
I like sotires, listened and told all the same.
And you,
You are distant and quiet and I can do nothing about it.
You are what you say you are.
You take decisions and take them back regularly.
You speak your mind when it doesn't make sense.
You worry too much.
You think too much.
You need things told more than twice before you can actually listen or process them.
Your family gets on your nerves and you do nothing about it.
But that's ok,
All of it,
Isn't it?

كل يوم

فأنا لااتأثر بتفاصيل الحياة اليومية
التى من شأنها إثارة أعصاب الجماد من حدتها
كل ما يثير سخطى و عدم رضائى عن طريقة سير الأحداث هو عدم وجودك اللحظى عندما أشتاق إليك
هو عدم مباتك كل ليلة بجوارى
هو عدم مثولى أمام محكمتك العادلة بل محكمة الذين لايعقلون
فما يثير سخطى ليس الفعل و لكن عدمه

Damage Control

But what should one do to protect another aganist the routin that keeps attracting a self into what's acceptable or normal (conformity)?
what should I be doing negative to the wheels of life that keep grinding you into (form) until you shall no longer exist like I know you, like I love you.
And you?
What would you be able to do that could counter all the aggressivness the world throws at me, all the hate and repulsion.
Our weapons, are they strong enough?
Will they last long enough?
Maybe, just maybe, if you contained me and I contained you we'd make it through.
We would define ourselves within our world(s).
If you will stand next to me,
I will stand next to you.
Aganist all norms.
I promise.

Yesterday I fell in love with you all over again

Midnight

إلهى
أتوسل إليك
ارسل لى من يحتوى هذا الجسد اليابس
المتشقق
الذى يمرر الروح فى تمهل ممل
ليقتل كل ما يكونها
فى انتظار موحش
لبعثٍ
أو مماتٍ أعمق

Co- Feeling!

You insist that you never wanted me in any other way and I believe you.
You never thought of me in that light and I never thought I could believe.
Without proof, further investigation, further negotiation. Without words.
I believe you. I do.
Even when you are distant, even when I am loud and vague.

The Beatles. Local Bands. Long walks. Book-talks. Red. Dark Stair ways. New. Sea. Night. Words. Songs. No friends. No interventions. No stories to tell. Firsts. Rebels. Silences. Laughter. Childhood stories. Imagination. Anything to eat. Selective taste in food. Clothes. No clothes. Who was who. Dates. Cold feet. Hold your hand. Shock. Insight. God. Existance. Agnostic. Liberal. Conservative. Judgmental.Radical. Apathetic. Khalil Gibran. Instrumental. MUN. Poetry from your lips. Nothingness. Unity. Light. Absolute truth. Belief...

دون مبرر

و تخشى فنائى
لكونه
يعيدك
إلى فنائك من قبلى
لفراغ روحك
و تملل الملل منها
فأنا من اعطتك خلودك
فلا كون لك بعدى

هى التى إستمع اليها عندما خلق الاشياء

تأكد انى كنت استمع إليها
و أنى لا أطيق إنتظارك أكثر من ذلك
تأكد أن أنفاسك تلاحقنى
حتى فى موتى
الذى آتٍ آت
فلتثور على الحياه مثلى
و تأتى إلىِِ
فأنت آتٍ آت

An Attempt

لو كان لربى صورة لأودعتها حافظتى
لعلقتها فوق مضجعى
لحفظتها بجانب اسرارى
لمنعت عنها كل عبث

Monday List

1.Sign that Petition.
2.Send your car/laptop/whatever thing that has been bothering you for ages to get fixed.
3. Show-up at that place where you are the Rock Star.
4. Spend time with the friend who's leaving (Wessam).
5. Start reading a new book.
6. Shape that hair.
7. Find him, and hug him and let out that sigh of relief.

Just to Catch a Flame...

I didn't take the day off. I am reporting for home. But then again I didn't have to drive all the way to down town or pay 10 pounds for parking my car.
I haven't been able to concentrate enough to read or write or research.
I wake up everyday.....well....not wanting to wake up.
There's that memory that persists. It makes everything else seem not enough.
That mold you are pored into isn't the end, it is a mean. How about different means, how about different plans and different needs.
Can one night on the sea shore make you less of a materialistic pig and more of a soul?
Please realize how insignificant we are.
We are just a moment in time.
No one cares what we do and where we've been.
and in that I find the biggest relief.
I find a different version of what makes me happy.
You make me peaceful ( I know how shocking that might sound)
You are you.
I am me.
It makes perfect sense.
Am i jinxing it?

You pump music thought my veins.
You float and I dwell around you in hopes of catching your scent or your tone of voice.
It's your heaven I believe in.
It's our Utopia
And I wouldn't dare to think of something outside that phase am in.
You are whole.
I am whole.
We don't leave spaces to be filled.

Something- The Beatles.

To Be Sure

That look, that look you shoot to announce your control over what’s to come. That confidence that surrounds your presence. Those eyes reflecting your strength. That haircut, those lips.
Your suspicion about my behavior around you, your concealed unease.
Is that enough?
Are those words meant for what they are?
Isn’t it our time together yet? Isn’t it enough?
How long does it take to melt your heart?
To defuse within your dreams?
Dare I think of thoughts crossing your mind while thinking about me?
Must I imagine something untrue again?
How many nights does it take to be sure?

Red

She teaches and she preaches,
then goes breaking all the rules.
She says and demands,
And you obey among other fools.
Fulfill a quest after the other
Deny what she has done to you.
You never fell under her spell
And those eyes never captivated yours.
It was all your choice
You willingly surrendered to her charms.
She thought you knew better than to challenge her,
Mistaken,
Triggered,
She approaches the prey, a sitting duck.
Now the sounds in your head are blurry
And the wine you sip is too sweet to be true.
Tomorrow the glamour fades away,
All what’s left is the thought you held someday
Of her being submissive to all your ridiculous plays
Tired she lays after winning the game,
Waiting for the next fool.

I didn't cease saying the right things.
We just stopped connecting on the same waves.

The Random SMS

Time is so slow,
Slipping one bit by another
Until we have none of it left
But that's not happening today.

Correct Me If I'm Wrong

They want to see you in one context and one context only.
They don't care about your happiness and favor serving their own ignorance through their perception of your actions.
They just need time to adapt and meanwhile they don't consider your reaction to their plan.
All I need is inner peace.
I love you just the same.

Depends on How Big You Think My Ego Is

I want to shrink myself
till I'm small enough to fit in your pocket,
till I'm tiny enough to sit on your shoulder.
That way you'd handle all the appointments and situations, you'd deal with this thing they call reality.
Then,
All I'd be doing is the thing I want to do most,
be next to you.

The Wheels of Life

Grinding,
Until you shall no longer exist.

Day Tripper

Sometimes you need to accept change,you need to postpone your own pleasure for the sake of people you can no longer neglect. Regardless of whether you like them or not.
Sometimes you need to go away alone and come back, new and improved.
Sometimes you need to fall in love with fictional characters and see Fantasia in everything around.
I resist and you keep pulling me back,
I fall and you insist on picking me up.
Let me be!

I Don't Belong Here

I am the friend that once was
I am the Patriot that once was
I am the cold cup of coffee
I am the piece you can't compose
I am your dead end job
I am your ex-lover
I am the book you never finished,
the words you never said
I am the test you never went through,
the road you never tried
I am the designer handbag you can't afford
I am the pain in your ass.

So That You'd Understand Where I'm Coming from

If you fall in love with someone and you wake up to realize you fell in love with an image up in your head and no the actual person standing infront of you, 3adi, acceptable, love is blind and doesn't make sense most of the time.
What is not understandable is this exact experience happening with a friend, a very good friend if I may say.
The friend you thought you knew like the back of your hand, the one who's speech and action you can predict miles ahead, the one you call 8432 times a day just because you can.
What if that friend of yours did something so unbelievably out of the usual that makes you think of the person in a different light.

How can you learn to look at the person the same?
Does your relationship allow this kind of change?
Is it worth it any longer?
Are feelings controllable?

It is not about you any longer , is it now?
I need to adapt to this version I never thought you’d be.
You want the best of both worlds
I want what’s best for me.
You just don’t hit me as someone who’d drive all the way up to the middle of nowhere so that he can apologize, you don’t hit me as someone who can be manipulated that easily.
You screwed this up and now you want my sympathy!

Same Old Story

You like my rebelliousness and yet you don’t me to rebel if you restrict me.
You love how free spirited I am yet you don’t want me to drift away in my own space.
You love my charisma yet you feel jealous if I talk to other people when you are around.
You love my wildness yet you want to tame me.
You love my character yet you almost always give me notes about my behavior.
You know I saved you yet you don’t want to save me.
You said you loved me the way I am yet you persist on adding your finishing touches.
You are so vain I bet you think this piece is about you.

Should I be doing something else, within a different setting?

The last 2 hours at the office seem to surprise me with how cold they can be and how creative I can get with excuses,
List time?
1. I need to drop someone off at the airport
2. Doctor's appointment
3. 3azza
4. Embassy's appointment
5. Government related paper work
6. The Labor Law clearly states that the public sector employees are to work 8 hours a day and not exceed 48 hours a week.
7. I think I have the Swine Flu

I care for someone's exam time
I care that someone is not eating right
I care for someone who's not happy with something with something that unexpectedly came up, ruining the "plans"

Give me a reason to stay, a theme and a worthy guy!

Tendency to Deny it Ever Happened Is Such a Cliche

Do you leave the lights on before you go to bed?
And remember all the things I once said
You randomly catch my scent
And wish your hand was in mine.
I bet your sun doesn’t shine.
Songs sound different, guitars weep
Are your nights tortured with questions?
And all your days feel all the same?
Do you doubt your friends can come to the rescue this time?
How does it feel knowing a part of your life has dissolved?
I bet you thought it was all my fault.
I bet you know now how it feels to regret,
to have loved and lost.
Were there things left unsaid,
And lights that need to be shed
Do you dwell, do you cry
Does it all seem vague and dry?
I bet you would kill for my kiss,
I bet you want those spaces filled
I bet I’m very hard to get over.

Time

It doesn’t make them think,

They measure the infinite

Minutes and years

And it doesn’t make them think.

Does it Worry You to Be Alone?

I am the bigger person.
I have the upper hand.
I oversee these insignificant events.
I know for a fact that what you are trying to pull off is impossible and pointless considering this frame of action and thought. I have to tell you that I’m highly disappointed.
I don’t lack direction or guidance. Even if I did, I wouldn’t turn to you.
And if you should take a decision, follow it till the end and act accordingly.
Don’t even think that you are protecting me. You’ll only do this to protect yourself.

How could you say such things? That you belong to someone, that you are willing to give your life to someone, that you would sacrifice, compromise, adapt and submit?

How could all the things in the world mean one person and one person only?
How could someone be all that?
Out of all the annoying people in the world, find the least annoying and try to co-exist…..



Or not!

Find someone worthy of your time, who will not consume your energy and who’s straight to the point…….

Or not!

Left With a Choice

Deciding whether to leave or stay has always been the most difficult decision the relationship undergoes.
You can leave anytime you want. I’m not holding you hostage.
I’m tired of pushing this forward for yet another day.
You can take away all the things that happened to me when you came around.
Can I leave now, without having to explain why?
Without a long tearful conversation and the so very fake mediation that someone has to offer making you feel as low as ever.
If I decide to leave just like that, if all the courage in the world was bottled up inside me, if all the ruthlessness I have developed managed to come together, had this been a different time.
If I were certain I wouldn’t miss your scent.

Bitter?

I hate the national soccer team, among many other things today.

I hate the security guy who claimed my Swiss knife a threat to other people’s security. Why can’t you claim sexual verbal harassment a threat to my own security as well? Everything around me is so Americanized.

I lost my identity and I undergo a thousand different identity crisis each minute I breathe, I undergo a hundred anger attacks, I undergo a million deaths when you are not around.
People frustrate me on daily basis.
I feel alone just because I care about the stuff I see significant, just because I care.

I hate white fake leather boots. I hate people not dressing for the occasion.

I hate the fact my femininity is crushed with what dicks say and do.
I will refer to the male gender as dicks until further notice. They deserve it.

I loathe stupidity, teenagers and iPhones (I have my reasons and they are very logical reasons too)

I hate my ex boyfriends, I hate the ex boyfriends I shall aquire and acid washed jeans.

I HATE UGLY HANDBAGS, people with low etiquette IQ and trashy bleach hair.