عن التراب و الوحل و الجبس و الماء و أنا و أنت

نحن طين....

.الوحل هى الماة الوحيد القادرة على إعادة تشكيلنا. الماء يُدمر و التراب يُخلد

.الوحل

.تتشربه خلاياك, تأخد شكل الحالة و تختزن ذكريات لها شكل و ملمس و رائحة

.هكذا تصنع الذكريات و تصير جزء منك

.و ليس هذا هو المهم, المهم تحافظ على نسبة الوحل فى حياتك

.على إعادة التشكيل أن تستمر و على الراغبين فى سكب الماء على طينك مراعاة فروق التوقيت و على المتضرر اللجوء للقضاء

على الوحل أن يستمر فى التدفق

أوتار العود: رياض السنباطى

 أوتار جيتار: جارى موور

مؤثرات صوتية: شارع و كلاكسات

مؤثرات صوتية: بحر أو محيط أو صوت نجوم

أطراف أصابع: دقيقة

أطراف أصابع: أدق

تفاصيل و رحيل

 .أنا كل هذا و أنت لا شئ على الإطلاق خارج هذا و داخله أنت نصفه و بجانبه أنت أنا

.لا يد لك فى كل ذلك و لا مطلوب منك تحمل مسئولية مشاعرى تجاهك

"تلاحقنى أنهار و شلالات " مياه لأ, لازم تهربى

"بس أنا مش عارفة أروح فين"

 بيعوزوا حاجات غريبة: بيبيهات و شهادات و عربيات و شاليهات و شغلانات مش طايقنها و فساتين منفوشة قماشتها تقرف و معمولة بمنتهى الردائة

.أنا كل إللى أنا عايزاه وحل زيادة و شوية ويسكى و حضن و بعض من هؤلاء علشان أتريق عليهم

" أشمعنى أنتى مش مضايقة"

على فكرة أنا أحسن منك و ناجحة أكتر منك و ولاد أكتر عايزين يناموا معايا و أزكى منك كمان و صاحبك القديم.... و أى كلام و أى كلام و أى كلام

" إشمعنى أنت مش مليانة قرف زيى؟ "

لازم تبقى زيي. لحسن الناس تقول إن أنا الوحيدة إللى مقرفة و ديه صورة اجتماعية أنا ماقدرش أعيش معاها علشان أنا كل الناس لازم تشهد بجمالى و حلاوتى و زكائى طول الوقت ماعرفش أعيش غير كدة. لأ مش قلة ثقة.... أنا بس.... و أى كلام و أى كلام و أى كلام

"إشمعنى أنتى مش بتكرهى نفسك؟ "

  .يحاولون إثبات العكس دائماً و أبداً فى عملية لا تنتهى من بث الطاقة المثيرة للغثيان على عالمك

  

 .إنسانة تدلق مياه على دماغك و تنتشى ولا أجدع أورجازم بتدمير ما بقى منك. فبهذا و بهذا فقط تتفوق عليكى

  شخص يقذف بالتراب و مش بعيد جبس على وحلك, يمنعك أو أجزاء منك من التحرك قبله أو بعده. يخلد ما يريده و يمضى بحثاً عن رض أخرى تستحق إعلانها (باستخدام سوائله) له

.مهمتك بقاء تدفق الوحل لمواجهة كل هذا. ده كل شئ

ممكن أنت تقارن الخطاب الدينى, أنا قارنت الأغانى

"إيه يعنى لما يموت مليون, أو كل الكون,

العمر أصلاً مش مضمون و الناس أعمار"

تمثل هزيمة 67 أشد و أقصى منحة مر بها الشعب المصرى فى تاريخه الحديث. كتب عمنا نجم "خبطّنا" و لحنها له الشيخ إمام بعد الهزيمة مباشرة و تسببت فى اعتقالهم هما الجوز فور سؤال عبد الناصر "هو عبد الجبار ده أنا؟" و كان الرد "أيوة يا فندم" فعاد الرد تلقائياً "هاتوهم".

استقبلت السماء فى حدود ال12 ألف شهيد نكسة.

اختفى كل أثر لفن مقاوم مصرى حقيقى و عنيف فى أواخر أيام السادات و تستمر انتكاسة الفن المقاوم إلى يومنا هذا.

يمكن نجم و إمام عودونا على العنف الزائد فا كل محاولة -بالمقارنة- بتتركنا غير متأثرين.

"الدرس انتهى, لموا الكراريس"

كتب صلاح جاهين استنكاراً لقذفق القوات الاسرائيلية مدرسة بحر البقر - سنة 70- بقصد قتل الأطفال و تدمير نفسية أهلهم

الصور إللى تم التقاتها لمدرسة مدمرة احتوت على كراريس و أقلام رسم و ألوان و كتب مدرسية و دم, دم كتير أوى و بكل درجات الأحمر.

الدنيا قامت و ماقعدتش علشان إزاى أعداءنا و إحنا فى وسط حرب الاستنزاف ضربوا على مدرسة ابتدائى. و كان من الأحداث الموجعة جداً إللى لسة المصريين بيفتكروها لحد النهاردة ممكن أرجع ده لإن الفن العامى أرّخها فا باتت قريبة من الناس.

العمل الفنى استُكمل بصوت شادية و ألحان سيد مكاوى.

استقبلت السماء من التلاميذ و التلميذات 30 شهيد.

فاست فورواد 40 سنة.

 لن يستدرجنى المقال نحو عملية سرد مفصلة لكمية الأحدات القاسية التى لم يكن ل"عدو" أى تدخل فيها.  تحول المصريون لأعداء أنفسهم. لن تأخذنى الجلالة لوصف انحدارنا الثقافى الغير مسبوق بأنه "مؤامرة" تحولنا لأعداء أنفسنا. تحول أخواننا فى غزة إلى أعداءنا. لم أكن أتصور أن يأتى اليوم و تلاقى فيه معاناة أخواننا فى غزة هذا الكم من اللامبالة و الاستهزاء بل و الدفاع عن حقوق المدنيين الأسرائليين. الله يحرقكم معاهم يا بعداة.

استخدم الفن, شأنه شأن الدين, لمحاربة شتى أنواع الإبداع. تحول لترامادول تسكب به السلطة على الشعب فى محاولة ناجحة جداً لاقناعهم أنهم بمنأة عن "ناس كانوا فى عبارة غرقت" أو "8 ألاف واحد بيموتوا سنوياً فى حوادث طرق" أو "ناس بتتشمس فى التحرير بتهدد استقرار البلد فايستهلوا يموتوا فى وسط العاصمة على مرأى و مسمع من العالم كله" أو "الفلسطينيين يستهلوا علشان باعوا أرضهم و إحنا مش عايزين الغاز بتاعنا يروح غزة"

الفن الشعبى من أدق المرايا إللى ممكن تعكسلك دماغ الشعب فين.

نتاج ال40 سنة إللى فاتوا من فن ,سواء مقاوم أو غيره, يعكس معاناة المصريين أو ألمهم = صفر.

عندما مات الكلام.....حرفياً

"شهداء 25 يناير ماتوا فى أحداث يناير" 

لم يرتقى الفن العامى إلى حتى أضعف الإيمان فى نقل وقائع الأحداث للأجيال القادمة. فالشهداء ببساطة ناس ماتت فى المظاهرات و كدة. نتاج الفن الشعبى على أثر أحداث 25 يناير المجيدة الفشيخة إللى العالم شهد بمدى فشاختها كلها زى الخرا لا استثى شىء.  

"ياه الميدان

كنت فين من زمان" 

 أصابتنى الدهشة عندما خلت كلمات الأغنية من بتنجان, دبان, أسمهان أو على بدرخان. استغربت فشخ الصراحة. و ده الإنتاج المستقل إللى معاه إمكانيات و علاقات و شركات إنتاج و كدة.

 و فى نوع تانى من الفن المستقل إللى "إزدهر" بعد أحدات يناير و كلها محاولات تترتقى لتصبح "نحت" لأجزاء من التراث و تنحدر لتشكل تشويه للتراث ذاته.

أما المستقل إللى لا يملك الإمكانيات و فلوس الإنتاج و الحاجات ديه إنحصر فى أغانى و هتافات الألترس التى حفظها معظم الثوار عن ظهر قلب و غالباً ما تحتوع على عبارات نابية فشخ و محاولات لفرق زى اسكندريلا و الحاجات إللى بتنحتلهم إللى أصلاً هما بينحتوه. (العالم ملئ بهؤلاء لأسباب أعجز عن فهمها) و بالرغم من موهبة حازم الشاهين الجاحدة التى لا ينكرها إلا الكافر إلا أن إنتاجهم ينقصه شعر أقوى بكثير من إنتاج أحمد حداد المقتصر على 4 كلمات بيبدل أماكنهم فى جمل "القصيدة" و كان الله بالسر عليم.

خلاصته:

عندما مات الكلام و مات الإبداع مات كل ما كانوا يعلوه سوياً من قنوات لشكيل ضمير البلد و حل مكانه الزبالة إللى الشعب نازل رضاعة فيها بقاله عقود من الزمن.

و النتاج هو الزريبة إللى إحنا عايشين فيها.

36 Things I Did While Being Unemployed

1. Traveled.
2. Moved houses.
3. Cleaned my car.
4. Read one of the most complicated books ever.
5. Wrote more regularly.
6. Decided on things.
7. Fell in love.
8. Donated some clothes.
9. Figured out my favorite ice cream flavor.
10. Saw friends off.
11. Re-defined myself with elements around me.
12. Read more poetry.
13. Translated more poetry.
14. Improved my editing skills.
15. Learned to live with being broke.
16. Drove to Mohandeseen.
17. Got over an ex.
18. Learned to stick to basis in terms of what i need out of life.
19. Decided which ones are favorites and which once are just lame.
20. Tutored someone in need.
21. Drank more.
22. Smoked more.
23. Drove less.
24. Lost weight.
25. Turned down jobs.
26. Chased jobs like they were my last hope.
27. Did make-up for a band for their video.
28. Watched all the Community there is to watch.
29. Had 2 haircuts.
30. Learned to use storage.
31. Spent more time with my family.
32. Had the time to polish my nails.
33. Made new friends.
34. Freelanced.
35. Borrowed money.
36. Made further travel plans.

One More Thing Before You Hit the Quarter

Nothing is more liberating than knowing where you stand. Growing up to be the person you aspire to be. Maturing in directions and layers and depths and widths and all of that. It feels wonderful. I feel blessed.

My poison has dissolved and my light found its way back to my surface again.

I defined myself and my relationship with the elements around me with minimum influence. Art, contrary to common belief, doesn't revolve around anything but the artwork itself. It doesn't come to live through other souls but the artists' own. Artists produce for you, for nothing but your world while everything else is put on hold.

I like to believe I am blessed with an ability to relate, to communicate, to heal and to love.

Believing makes things possible, you know. It makes things happen if you try hard enough. And this, you learn too.

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself" - Gibran.

And to my surprise, it does just that.

The Making of....

The line of "based on a true story" that precedes certain art work confuses me. It kinda puts the makers in a competition with God. I love God, I love art makers but somehow, it feels like I have to make a choice while in fact, the film makers already made a choice of path with a few adjustments.

Let's review the facts:

1) The human mind is only allowed a certain amount of input, therefore, allowed only a certain amount of outputs. Examples are everywhere. Example One: Your Reality: A computer programer knows that by giving out a certain input, the output could not deviate from 10 to 100 outputs, for instance. Now imagine the input being all the things you have been subjected to till this day - which is a limited number really, if you come to think of it, the output can also never deviate from a certain number of (limited) things that this certain input allows. Example Two: Your Dreams: People dream in 3D, in 4D and maybe in 7D. However, those dreams never deviates from what your mind has seen or heard of before. It can never create something without an input that happened in your awaking. You may rob a bank using a number which your mind has the ability to imagine, that being 0000 or 74238749283579543545349535893758, regardless. However, if your brain has no desire or ability to create that number, it will not show in your dream. You might rob the bank without using a certain code, or with using one that doesn't show in your dream. But you will rob the bank. That is the outcome. There are certain paths that you may use to get there, but your brain, inside your dream, wants you to rob the bank and it made its way into it. And like it or not, there is a limited number of paths that your mind can't deviate from in order to reach its path.

2) That being said, it appears that we are in no position to be more powerful than God because God kinda programed and gave out a limited number of paths that we will not be able to deviate from, we will not even be able to try. Simply because all the other alternatives that would give out a different outcome than the one originally offered to us, as far as we know, do not exist.
By any means, we are not smarter than God. The robot can't get smarter than the programer as far as we know.

3) But you can be smarter than other robots, simply because you had a different system installed to you.
For instance, it makes no sense to me as an individual that a certain God is better, stronger or more powerful than the other (God here being a religion of some sort). Simply because we all live on this miserable planet alone and no certain God has ever been known to cure diseases instantly or save entire nations from poverty or famine. We all live in this shit hole, and no prayer was ever strong enough. It makes better sense to me that God is everything and its contrast, but we are praying the wrong prayer.
Religions are man made. A tool, like technology, like facebook, like cars and relationships. Giving it more depth than this could be counted as deviation in some cultures but could be accepted as fact in others.

4) You make up your own God and you decide on following certain paths, but your paths are in fact limited to what the programer installed in the first place. Punishment or reward seem irrelevant then. No one really knows what happens when you die. When Omar ElKhayyam was asked whether he feared death, he responded with "And why should I? It is either bliss or void afterwards."

God must be looking at us all now, un-entertained at the amount of stupidity we have managed to fill the world with. Or not looking at all, for God's work has been completed millions of years ago.

So what when you hear the line "based on a true story" I think to myself "And what isn't?

Corruption, continued...

There has to be something wrong with a universe that allows things to happen when you don't care about them happening any longer. It is like a constant reminder that the universe doesn't revolve around you unless the people around you make you believe it does. A common misunderstanding is the very popular saying of "your mind plays tricks on you". Most of the time, this is far from true. Your mind is the only thing you try to shut up when everything else is playing tricks on you. Tricks that you like, tricks that are good for your ego. Your mind refuses. You delude yourself into believing that your mind is taking part in that freak show. It is not, you know it is not and it tortures you when you remember it. But denial works wonders. Love is a form of drug. True love is a form of denial. They both have been doing so good in the market. People with narrow definitions of the word love occupy everything that influence you as a consumer, viewer, receiver, supplier or demander. Lucky people try the potion once before it goes corrupt. Once it goes corrupt, impossible would be a small word if we try to explain the possibility of it going pure again. Love, like power, corrupts. So will any illusion that is as believable as those two. People who constantly direct your choices and actions know that very well. They know that love corrupts and they feed you love, love, love and more love until you pump love out of your ass, until you believe it makes the world go round and you start feeding it to other people yourself. A form of network marketing. They like the corrupt you. It makes their jobs easier. You are now a better consumer, viewer, receiver, supplier and demander. You make the world go round, because you are in love.

215

ما يجرى فى عروقى الآن غير دمى
خُضتُ عملية نقل سوائل فى وقتٍ ما
لا استطيع تحديده
- أقصد الوقت -
و هذا ليس جسدى
هذا غيرجلدى
أنت دمى
،و ابعثنى و مزقنى و حبنى
،و لو قليلاً
فأنا
.أعبدك

خواء

استنشق تبغك و ما يولد استهلاكك البشع له
و أسئلتك
و روحك الهشة فى سجنها

استنشق عرقك و ما يَصحُبه من تعب
و هلاكك
استنشق كرهك لذاتك
تضيق بى الغرف و المطاعم و الشوارع
استنشق عطفك علىّ
و شفقتك

أكرهنى


يقتلنى استخفافك بالألم
أموت
أردتك سببى و منفذى
حملتك فوق طاقات البشر مجتمعين
تخيلتك النجاه
فغرقتنا معاً
منفصلين
كم تمننينا أن نغرق معاً مرتبطين
سأمت الأمل
أنا لن أُبعث

لن أُقايض
أريد الأبد و أعرف طريقه

...... سلام

دعاء

من ذا الذى يملك حق إزهاق أرواح المحبين
الأبعد يَصعُب فصلهما
و سقوطهم يَقتُل

ألم أجدك ضالاً فأويتكَ
و وجدتنى ناقصة فضيعتنى

ألم تشرح لى الأسباب
و عاقبتنى بالغياب
و هل من مصل للصبر؟
و هل من طريق لا يؤدى لما ليس لى؟

شهورك تمضى
أيامي غامضة
تأباك و تلفظك
و لا تعى غيرك
ولا تعى منكَ غير مُقتك

نزعتُ روحك و خلودك
أنتَ لكَ الآن
صلّى ليغيير إلهك قدرك


و افشلوا معاً

The Inconsistency that Has Become You

..... because you know, I am the kind of person who would only marry for love, even though I know that is unsustainable. I know love is never enough.

A decision like that needs to be taken while you are not on anti-depressants, while sober and while you are not in constant need of someone else.

Now, the idea of me having someone I really love is ruined forever. I feel emotionally retarded most of the time. Like when I am  in a situation that would normally fill my heart with love, an enormous amount of pain weighs my whole existence down. I am filled with pain. So much pain it makes me dizzy, my skin goes numb. It also makes me angry.

In the process of revenging from you, I ended up revenging myself. I was spinning, like a compass forever lost in the Bermuda Triangle. I revenged every part of me for ever trusting you. Some parts were harder than others. I stopped. Only to find that revenge became my lifestyle, it became what I am about.

I am not into fortune telling unless it tells me something I want to happen.

Some of us were not meant to have it easy. It doesn't make them unique or individual, it just makes them people who don't have certain things easy.

Am I ever getting out of this endless loophole of loopholeness?

You have loved me, I have no doubt about that. You have fallen out of love with me, I have no doubt about that. We have but different definitions to what we wanted out of this.

Tuesday are usually off days for me. I have no desire to change that. I need off days. They make me miss him, and how much do I need to remind myself that I am still capable of missing him. I am not alone, I am without him. This much I have learned.

For what good it is if I learn to unlove. I love. I won't give up on this. Can I at least call him whenever my heart squeezes out an atmosphere that belonged to the two of us exclusively.

How far can you run from yourself? How fast can you do it?
You'd better start now.

Sip on whatever he is sipping on.
Good day.

كفانا خراءً

لا للتفرقة على أساس الجلد أو البصيرة أو المشاعر
لا للتفرقة على بين من يتلون و من هو ثابت و أرعن
لا للتفرقة بين من يعاديك  و من يترجاك
لا للتفرقة بين من هزمك و من هزمته

لا لتحويل البشر لمكينات تسامح صناعى
يوجد متسع للغضب و الحزن و الغيرة و الكراهية و المقت
و التنفرقة بين من دمه حلال
و من حرم عليك تذوق سوائل جسده
اتركوا مكان لى وسط هذه الفوضى
اتركوا مكان لمن يفرق رغم عن أنوفكم جميعاً

ثانى لقطة

لتغفر لى اشتهائك قبل إباحته

• و اجترارك خلال الحامض من بقايا روحى
• و ألوانها
• لنترك الغفران لحين تَبَخُر الهوى
• و انطفاء الضوء
• إنقذنى من الغرق فى وحل المألوف
• و انعم عليا ببعض من حبك
• الآن
  و نحن قادرون

أول لقطة

لم أتعرض لموقف لم ينقذنى منه معسول كلامى

حتى اعترضت أنت طريقى

تتشرب مسامى روحك و تنبت جذور ثم تتورق
لكَ منى ما أستطيع جعله ممكنناً و لى منكَ ما تريد أن تعطى
لنصنع عالماً نستطيع احتماله
و نتعانق....

و قلبى من بعد الطيران......

عبدتك

و عبدتنى

و توضئنا فى مياه البحر الأحمر على أصوات ضرب الموج للصخر

بعد صلاتنا المتاغمة

يبقى الهروب هروب

و تبقى المدينة هى المدينة

كنت مدينتى التى لم أحتاج يوماً إلى الهروب منها

على كل الأحوال

أنت تطلب من الوقت أن يمحو ذكراى

و أنا أطلب من الوقت ...... لا يهم

أنا و أنت و الحارس و البحر لن نكون

 لإننا لم نكن يوماً كما تخيلتنا أنا

و لا كما تخيلتنا أنت

لن ننسى

لو كان النسيان ممكنناً، لن نضطر لخلقه من اللاشىء

لو كان متاح

لن نشير إليه إشارة ما ظنناها ثورة

سنتظاهر

سنصبح أفضل فى تظاهرنا

لكنها ستظل "ممارسة" يجب علينا إتقانها

سنتقتها

و نمضى

ننسى أننا ننسى

يصدمنا الواقع بسيل الأسئلة ذاتها
مجدداً
و مجدداً نغوص

.................................................

نبدأ دورة جديدة

و للأبد يبقى النسيان عبىء علينا

لعنات مشتتة

آه يا قلب لم يحذر
يا حلم لم يتجسد
يا روح أحبت قلب و حلم لم يكونوا لها

آه يا أيام تتسرب
و جداول تتصحر
و الوقت يقف عاجزاً أمامهما

آه يا حياة لم تكن لك
و سحر حلت لعناته عليك
و ألم لن يكون قتله على يديك

ما الفارق إذاً
بين العبث و الحق و العدل
بين عطايا الله و هدايا البشر
بينك و بين القدر

Out There...

The spiral roads I was forced to take for me to avoid all the traffic.

Cairo sucks the soul out of you sometimes. Cairo is mean like that, like an ex you never really got over who never fails to impose.

I shift my concentration to the edgy music pumping from my player. I drift away with the memory of a rocky  beach, somewhere not far off from here. The ride back home from the beach would seem like the end of the world to me.

"The end of the world", the words slip my lips into my bubble of a car.

Had you been given the choice, this is exactly how you would've wanted the world to end.... while on a long ride home with him.....

And the traffic goes on.

Beginnings

You know, this could be the last breath you withdraw. And this might as well be the last song you will get to sing. This could be the last face you look upon and yet you chose for that face to be of a stranger. And how could a stranger be the witness of your last word?
You portrait your life like one that doesn't matter. Haven't you met that person who will engrave you last breath, song and word into their memory until they meet you again?

نضال

أتوسل إليك و أغض النظر عن (أنا) لبعض الوقت

تكاد أنفاسى تنقطع

أُفضل التنفس عن الاختناق، أُفضل الحياة على انتظار البعث أو الممات

الفشل مرعب فى قربه

أعلنتها ثورة و خسرت فى أخر جولة

،عزيزى"

أكتب إليك هذا الخطاب بعد مرور وقت لا بأس به من تلاقى شفتانا فى أخر قبلة لنا على مفترق الطرق، تركناها و مضينا. منذ زمنٍ ليس ببعيد كنا نبحث عن الحياة معاً و تواعدنا على مواصلة البحث حتى يفرقنا الدفن و ها أنا و أنت مفترقين و كل بحث لنا مفترقين عبثى و غير مُجدى و غير حقيقى، لما فيه من خنث بالوعد الصارم بيننا

فراقنا عبث

و وجودنا معاً عبث

كان لك الاختيار ولم اسُتشر فى خضوعى له

أما الآن، و قد غضبت و ترنحت سكراً و خنقنى الأمل و قتلنى الرجاء فقد تخلصت منك و من سُمك إلى الأبد

أما عن أثارك على جلدى و كلماتى و دروبى فسوف احتفظ بهم لتذكرنى مهما حييت بمدى عهرك و صفاقتك

،المخلصة

" أنا

جهزت زخيرتى

لن يهزمنى العسكر هذه الجولة

أبحث عن أشيائى وسط فوضى غير مألوفة علىّ من أشيائك

(ّأفكر فى مدى عدم إعجابى بفكرة أن فوضاك غير مألوفة على)

أجمعها

تنفصم

أذهب

تصمد

ألعن الهواء الذى برئتيك

(أليس أولى أن يأخذوك أنت شهيد و يتركوا من يؤمنون أن على هذه الأرض ما يعاش من أجله)

لا تبالى

أجد إيمانى فى "أشياء" أخرى

أتذكر حتى أنسى

أتوجع حتى لا أجد قوة فى داخلى تؤهلنى لجولات فشل أخرى معك

يظل الوقت ساكناً لبعض اللاوقت

تعود (أنا)ى لى

اعتذر لك عن محاولتى إلباسك ثوب غير ملائم لمحيطك

"أنتِ لم تعطينى أجمل ذكرى فى حياتى"

أتنفس

استنشق نفس عميق من الحرية

ما أوسع الحرية

ما أجمل أن تكون ريشة أو سحابة أو نملة

ما أتفه أن تحاول فتنجح دون أسباب

ما أريح أن أعترف و أطلب الغفران و تفشل العقائد المتاحة فى إقناعى باعتناقها

ما أريح العلم

(بركاتك يا أم النور)

أحدد خطة عمل محكمة و جميلة و مليئة

أغوص فى عالمى الملون الشامخ و أرفض الرمادى المتوغل سيد الألوان جميعاً فى عالمك

....... أكتشف

ما أروع الرحلة

(أتذكر دعوات بعض المقربين إلى نفسى عند الكعبة)

أزور و أتبرَك منه

(بياركنى)

"أعشق"

مٌطلقة و مٌجردة

أنا فى قلب الكون أذوب عشقاً

.....لك المجد

يا من علمنى الاكتشاف من جديد

ما لم يقال

"يمكن علشان كدة اسمه "الوقوع" فى حب حد، علشان فى حتة منك بتقع و مابترجعش بس بنجيب مكانها حتة تانية"

جزء من صدرى يكاد يلامس أسفلت الشوارع كلما وجهت إلىَ صمتك

"كيف تنظر فى عينىَ امرأة أنت تعرف أنك لا تستطيع حمايتها، كيف تصبح فارسها فى الغرام"*

إحساس بالعجز أمام صمتك

"أنا إللى أقول الكلام ده، مش أنتِ"

راحة تامة لصمتك

"صنع عطرها هالة احاطتنى و بسطت ذراعيها جناحين حولى، و حلقنا ....."**

سُكر بيَن أمام صمتك

"مافيش حاجة اسمها كدة، طول الوقت فى حاجة ممكن تقولها و/أو حاجة ممكن تعملها"

أواجه بحقيقة لم أكن أود العيش معها بعد صمتك. أدركتُ وجوب اعتذارك

"أغارُ عليكَ من عينى و منى

و منكَ و من زمانكَ و المكان"***

ألعن صمتك

"خلينى أعمل إللى أنا عايزاه، أنا حرة يا أخى"

يقتلنى صمتك

"حبيبى"

أحاربُ صمتك

"إذا مت حباً فلا تدفنينى

هنا بين نهديكى خلينى

يلفحنى شبق الغرام و يحيينى

و خلى ضريحى رموش الرياح

أو شهوة تلف فخذيكى كسحب الوشاح

و قولى لهم هذا حبيبى و هذا هو المحرم المباح"****

استعذب صمتك

"كونى الخدر فى دمى، كونى وهمى"

"كن فرارى و مأواىَ"

نستسلم للصمت

*لا تصالح - أمل دنقل

** حب فى المنفى - بهاء طاهر

*** بيت مناسبة - حفصة بنت الحاج الركونية

**** أغنية حب على الصليب - محمود درويش

انتهت كما بدأت

و تمت

Sadism

They fight their lost battles.
Had they only known that the one battle worth fighting is one's own misery.
For how can fulfillment grown into happiness in an empty chest.

Days Prior the Day

Today, I want to write about you.

ِزعابيب أمشير

I see so much more colours.
I am surrounded by books and music again.
It is like switching from bitter, blunt black coffee with no chances of cream to a delightful cup of raspberry tea with macaroons on the side.

You were unable to accept the fact that I liked downtown cheap bars as much as I liked high end Zamalek hang outs.
You were unable to understand that I can go fight marginalization and intolerance in Upper Egypt on my weekend but go relaxing on a Sinaii beach the next one.
You were unable to absorb all the package that is me.
My world was too big for you.
Your world was too limited for my taste.

I can't seem to understand why can't you move from the place where I keep loved ones to the place where I keep the unimportant.
Why are these still matters of the heart and not old memories that I flinch at remembering and move on?
Why can't I move from the phase where my heart is grapes being crushed for fermentation to the place where I can sip the wine with my medium/rare steak?

I want my coffee back, with a hint of caramel and a dash of vanilla.
But you can't give me that.
And I, will never forgive you for it.

Last Night

You made me realize that there is a line between what people "feel" and what people "need to say" regarding certain situations.
I never made the distinction before, neither knew about its existence.
And now, I do...
I can't help but wonder whether this will ruin things for me, or make them better.

Who Cares...

But she understands. She has to. Her friend has never doubted it for a second. She knows her friend needs the cocoon now. She knows it is very easy for her friend to vocalize feelings that are not that strong or true, but the intensity, her friend can't. She knows that her sober friend will come back again. She knows that her friend needs her now, more than ever. She knows she has been very supportive, she knows her payback will not be now. She knows that seeing her friend being this emotional wreck right now will not be the default. She knows that one bubble bursts only for another to be formed. She knows.
And her friend believes. And no one else understands.

معلشى... ماتقفشى

الفكرة إن أنت بيجى فى سكتك حاجات و الحاجات ديه مش هى إللى أنت عايزها. يعنى مثلاً، بيجيلك شغل مش هو الشغل المثالى بس أنت بتعيش و تتعايش لحد ما يجيلك شغل تانى. انت مثلاً بتفقد حد أنت بتحبه جداً إما عن طريق الموت أو عن طريق الحتمية التايخية أو عن طريق الفتور المتبادل بينكم. أنت كمان ممكن تخسر مبدأ او فكرة أو أحد والديك أو أى حد قريب ليك من غير ما تكون عامل حسابك. الأحسن متعملش حسابك على حاجة. الأحسن تفتكر إن كل الحاجات ديه حصلت لناس قبلك و عاشوا و كملوا و بقوا ناس عظيمة و بقوا ناس سعيدة تانى. الأحسن إنك تفهم إن الدنيا مش هاتستناك و لا هاتستناهم و لا يهمها وجودك أصلاً من عدمه. الأحسن إنك تحوَش و تسافر كل شوية (السفر ممتع). الأحسن إنك تغرق كل ده فى الضحك مع صحابك عليه و استغراقهم فى التنكيت على المواضيع ديه بالذات. الأحسن إنك تفتكر إنك قادر و زكى و مراوغ و حتماً هتعرف تتضحك على القدر لفترة معينة بس لازم تكون عارف إنه هيكسب الروند الجاى. الأحسن إنك تعيش بدل ما تستنى. الأحسن إنك تفتكر لحد ما تبطل تفتكر. الأحسن إنك تتنفس بدل ما تفكر قد أيه الاستسلام للاختناق مريح. الأحسن أنك تحب.
ده طبعاً كله الأحسن.... بس مش الأسهل
و الله الموفق

Here Comes the Sun

Everything is so noisy...everything.
There wasn't much to add to the day.


.....and although we talked about the weather, about destinations, about all the catching up we are to do and all that jazz... but nothing of any density,
although it was two minutes and the friction of the rails and trains was the background music to those two minutes,
although your "I miss you" was the casual one you'd use on friends and colleagues,

You felt so close.

I could see rays of sunshine playing hide and seek with your train's window, thus, your face. I could notice how your eyes weren't fixed on one spot, but kept flickering and moving around.
Everything was quiet for those two minutes...for the mere purpose of me soaking up in them.

I just knew you stared outside the window and drifted into a different realm when we hung up.

You just knew I was waiting for your voice to warm up my day.

Then everything became noisy again.

and, again, I wait...

101

ترجعلى شهيد
و الشهادة أشكال و ألوان

المهم ترجع
و الأهم
ترجع شهيد

انصهار

عروقى لازالت تفيض بدماء ساخنة، لا تعرف الهدوء و لا الإجابات
روحى لازالت بين ضلوعى، لا تعرف سوى الأنفاس الثقيلة أثر كثرة المعارك و الانتهاكات
عقلى شارد، يبقى كما هو على حاله، لا يقبل المساومات

و أبقى أنا نقطة ارتكاز كونى
و تبقى أنتَ، احتمال

تفاصيل وجودك تسيطر على أفكارى
و يبقى صنع الذكريات أمر متاح
حتى يصبح واقع
و يصبح الواقع حلم
و يمتذج الاثنان

أنتَ تطلب هدنة... و أنا لا أقبل أعذار و لا شروط... ولا... ولا... ولا... كفانا حديث عنى

أنتَ... كما شائت لك الأقدار أن تكون هنا، فى هذا التوقيت
أنتَ... كما أنت و كما ستكون و كما ستموت

كل حيواتك الآخرى
كل حكاياتك و تطلعاتك
كل فكرة لم تدخل حيز التنفيذ

أنتَ... تُسيَر الخدر فى عروقى

V

and the believer is so much more capable, so much more courageous.
because he is not a sour loser, because there is no place for "winning vs. losing" situation is his system of belief.

believers never lose, fighters do often.

we are both
you are neither.

we are poets, musicians, artists and novelists.
we save
we create
we elevate

we are separate
we will never meet, although we are not parallel

we never die
we never end
you die a little more each day

we feed our souls
you feed your ego

ليه؟

لماذا إلهى تعذبنا بالقهوة الباردة و الحاجة إلى العطاء و استمتاعنا بالنبيذ؟

And He Said.....

among the chants, the cheers and the fighters, among the loud.
among banners and believers,
among all those emotions and inspirations,
among those who will protect and love you without knowing your name,
among the absolute and the abstract,


Inside my chest
Inside my throat, I speak your light.
Inside the space between me and my walls.

This is where you belong.

Not the Devil

Have.... to make.... peace...
Have to...
make....
Peace....

Have to make peace with the idea that it felt good at some point...

This sucks!

You Don't Have the Right

You don't get to call my name.
You don't get to remember details about (us).
You don't get to have any thought regarding (us) cross your mind.
If I could take (me) and (us) away from you I would,
but I can't...
I think I will have to live with the consequences of my bad decision for sometime.
I think this is time I did that...

P.S: I shouldn't have done the letters too.

كر و فر

يمكن ديه تكون محاولات مثير للشفقة فى قتل كل ما له علاقة ب(نا) يمكن تكون ديه محاولات مثيرة للشفقة فى قتل كل ما هو مقدس و خاص
مجرد محاولات....
و دعوات بالنجاح
محاولات للكتابة.....
و دعوات لل(إله) الذى كان و لن يكون ثانيةً

Reflections on My Latest Relationship

This might be turned into a series, or not. I am not really sure.
I just like to write about this. It is so rich and layered and so very boring.

So, again....

I want to emphasize on the fact that I needed to reflect on everything regarding this issue individually ( the break-up, the ex, the relationship, the me I was with him...etc).
Let me tell you that I am friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. Very good friends with some of them as well. But I don't think this will be the case regarding this one in particular. We have been friends for a couple of years before we got together and we were together for another two. The kind of relationship we had was very solid as it was based upon friendship, for one, and two, I was in a time of my life where I needed to figure out the basis of building a solid relationship with another individual. Starting off with these 2 things in mind paved the way to a healthy relationship, it didn't last, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't successful when it stood.

The rest of this blog post is all seen in retrospect, I had none of the following observations when I was "in" the relationship.

Phase One: The Cuteness
The first three months were all very heavenly. Nothing mattered in this world except our "thing". We would hang out everyday, never get bored and always have something to share/do. This was the part where some of the greatest memories are born. This did happen. I remember certain things in full details. We wouldn't make plans unless they involved the both of us. This had an up and a down side to things towards the end, but we will get into the full details of that in time.
It was all very relaxed and easy. I would write beautiful words about him and he would eagerly try to figure me out. I was me, he was a little bit out of character but in a good way. There was a side of him that only needed some light to come out. Our relationship did exactly that to him and there he was, all happier and more hopeful. We basically started to merge our lives together, to have (us) and integrate that within our lives.
Most of our friends weren't very pleased with the impulsive decision on my side (it wasn't on his side at all, he had to talk to a few people about it). A couple of them even advised against it. We didn't care at all.

Phase Two: Seeing Little "Imperfections"
Six to eight months into the relationship I realized he is not perfect, I was not perfect but you fit together perfectly. I wanted to be with him, he wanted to be with me. We started playing the compromise game. We would cut off a meeting or cancel travel plans to spend all the time in the world together. We would work out budgetary issues to eat out most of the days, we had the same friends anyway, but I dragged him a little bit more into my family life and my other social circles. He graduated and got a job next to mine so we would meet up daily after work and spend the day together. This led to less and less time with friends and family. It also distracted us from thinking about our careers or our professional track. We would fight. but we would make up on the same day. I don't remember a day when we haven't talked or seen each other.

Phase Three: Support
Almost a year into the relationship, protests broke out. He has always been interested in political events. I have always been interested in human destiny and hoped for a better future for everybody and all that crap. We had very strong reasons to participate and join. We did just that.
I have memories of most of the "major" days starting the 25th of January 2011 all the way up until I have memories of protests alone without him. I was there most of the time, even the times he wished he was alone so he could "react" better to certain situations. Regardless, we were very supportive to each other but we neglected our relationship a little bit. We still wanted to be together and I could sense that, I could see that. He'd still make an effort, which motivated me to do twice the effort.

Phase Four: The Drifting
We got very busy. I would cut something I wanted to do off for me to be able to see him or talk to him but he would just keep piling things on his back. At one point he had:
1. A day job from 9 to 5
2. French courses 4 times a week straight after work
3. A Student activity at college
4. A Master's program in third language
5. An awareness initiative that required a lot of planning and travelling

I tried to explain this leaves no time for important things in life too like your friends and family, your welfare and most importantly - to me- us. My attempts were in vain.
I remember this one time we were at a friend's house it was July 2011, I think. After I had sensed the distance growing between us and tried to talk to him about it. I said that he has been neglecting (us), that a relationship needed work, that he wasn't doing in...etc. He told me he needed a break. My reaction to that was very weird. I told him I don't do breaks. We do this together or we break up here and now. We both couldn't understand what it meant to be apart at that time so we took all what has been said back and moved on. It wasn't until we went away with friends in September that I knew this was over. He would force himself to avoid me, would force himself to sit far from me, would force himself to avoid alone time with me. On the ride back home, he wouldn't sit next to me. I knew it was over then. Because I was crying on the ride back home and couldn't tell him, couldn't share what I had in mind, the crack was noticeable, yet I wasn't ready to confront it alone. I was too scared of his reaction to my feelings and that alone was another crack.

Phase Five: The Break-up
He found what he was looking for, something to do with his life and who am I to sustain a relationship that intense on my own. I kept gluing things, I kept making time to "be" in this relationship, I kept pushing him. He wouldn't respond. He was to go to Paris for a conference. We made plans to go to Paris together. I pulled some strings here and there and managed to do what I could with my passport and budget and things but I decided not to go. I was demotivated by a lot of things around me. He never gave out a vibe that he wants me to be there as much as I wanted him to. He went to Paris, he would work for complete days and not call or text, he would always be doing something else when I wanted to call him. He called me 3-4 times for his whole 7 days of stay. He needed time apart to realized that he hadn't missed me enough, that he hasn't thought about me enough and that he didn't love me any more.
He came back from Paris and we weren't able to properly "see" each other the whole week following his return. I called him and told him that I needed to talk to him. He came, he was tired and angry and mad. I kept pushing, he said it, he left.

I think I will be needing this relationship to sync in deeper for me to be able to reach conclusions about it. That will happen someday.

And regarding my previous post, I would like to point out that I am perfectly fine. I am learning my way around my new world and it has never been more exciting.
Until the next reflection,
Have a good one :)

Reflections on My Latest Break-up

There has been a time when I would never have believed I will be writing such a post.
That time is over now and I can, somehow, see this as an experience I can judge as objectively as I will be able to.
This is not by any means the story of "us". This is merely a reflection of my phases following the break-up and how I dealt with them.

Phase One: The Total and Complete Mess I was Turned into in Seconds
I called for the "talk" to be honest, but I never thought It would develop into a break-up. It was mellow in a way and I was completely in shock to take any kind of reaction. I kept thinking to myself he would be back before I even notice he is gone so I let it be. I cried for a while, crashed at a friend's house because I wasn't physically capable of driving and went on crying my heart (and eyes) out of a week. A few of my friends suggested we go spend a few days away in Sinaii and we did just that. I realized I have never been to this place without him so I came to the conclusion that I needed to define my relationship with the places that I like regardless of his presence or lack thereof. My friends have been completely supportive, no one shut me up, no one held me back from becoming as pathetic as one can be and I will be forever grateful for that. I went back to Cairo and collapsed again. He happened to be at a friends house so I literally locked us up in a room for me to beg my way back to this. In vain. I cried some. He cried some. I realized and came to peace with the fact he is utterly emotionally retarded with the self destructive idea of " If I can convince myself I love you, I can also convince myself that I don't love you" which is a loop hole of shit that you keep swimming in, if you ask me.

Phase Two: The Hope
I began to bounce back 2 weeks into the break-up. I kept telling myself that this had to happen anyway. I began destroying the image I had preserved of him in my mind. I was sinking in a puddle of self loathing and pity. I was playing all the cards I had. I called for mediation from most of our friends, even his mom got her share of pathetic me. I was convinced that I was fighting for something I believed in and that that wasn't, at all, out of character for me. I started venting out in letters to him. They were 30 letters that I sent him via email each day. Protests and acts of violence broke out in Tahrir Square and near it. I wished he could just die there, maybe then I will get my proper closure. Didn't happen. And the letters were pointless too. I think he laughed about it with his new "friends" I suppose.
Regardless, I tried to talk to him again and went all psycho bitchy on his ass. I was driven by the fact I had to burn all bridges for me to never think about what "could've been". I started doing just that.

Phase Three: The Confusion
I started dealing with the fact that he is no longer there. He won't ever be there again. So I went out trying new things. Regardless of how "right" or "wrong" they could be.

Phase Four: Embracing Change
I began writing him off slowly as the days went by. I got used to driving alone, making after work plans on my own, seeing friends on my own, shopping, travel plans and most of my thinking alone too... I was on the right track. I was continuously learning things about myself and my interests. I began redefining my relationship with places, songs and mutual friends. I collected some of the things he bought me thought out the 2 years we've been together and gave them back. I told him they hang there like ghosts from the past, told him he didn't do them out of love, compared him to all my other exes, confronted him with the fact that he wasn't "all that" to begin with and summed it up by telling him this relationship was a whoring around experience for both of us that I do not cherish neither respect. LOVELY.

Phase Five: Learning to Convert from Hate to Apathy
I have managed to take some pretty hostile reactions thought out the course of the previously mentioned 4 phases(Like this time I told everyone I want to sell his heart in an Asian South Eastern black market and eat his liver as he watched) but then again I thought to myself that "hate" is not the answer. Hate and love are 2 feelings on the same meter. I needed to use a different meter to measure the distance between you and me and adjust it to my liking.
I needed the apathy and sympathy meter.
Or the apathetic and believer meter for that job.
Once I learned the correct meter to use I was, yet again, on the right track.

To sum it up, I am sure none of the things you just read is weird or out of the ordinary to you. It is the same old story. I just needed to write that down for me not to forget. I also needed to reach my very own conclusions as well.
I learned a few things on the way but I can't specify a certain phase in which I made such realizations:

1. Had he wanted to stay, nothing in this world could have kept him from it.
2. There is nothing wrong with me. Apparently random strangers find me attractive (a whole other blog post about that).
3. Always make time for yourself.
4. Karma will get you (actually an ex told me that when I telling him that story, Oops!)
5. Lavish in the misery of it. Listen to all the songs that will hurt, eat your feelings, drink your feelings... It all helps you heal.
6. By now, I think it is more about the timing than the person.
7. It will get to him and you shouldn't care about it anyway.
8. Friends are a blessing.
9. The surprises in store for you are worth the 3 weeks of total self pity (trust me).
10. Happens to everyone :)

Good day,

What 2012 Had to Show Me on Its First Week

I found a treasure in my room that other day. Hidden between my books was a little black book I got as my 20th birthday present. I remember the day I got it, I remember full details of the day. The people I was with, the streets we roamed and more precisely the kind of feelings floating in between us.
Had anyone told me where each of the 5 people who were there on that day would be now, I wouldn't have believed it in a million years.
Leaving out all of the details of how these people have changed and grown in different directions (as this is very boring and uninteresting), I would like to talk about the black book in itself.

It was a full documentation of many things in my life and many things I was going through but most importantly, it kept record of all the flings/relationships/temptations/rebounds/misleading crap from my 20th year up to my 22nd. Tarrraaaa.... As my doctor friend would refer to these kind of things I quote "Funny shit".
It is amazing how history repeats itself in anyway it can. It needs to fulfill itself, to settle its accounts and then goes away to find the next victim.

To me, the amount of things that karma still has something to say to me about are plenty to be honest. I have done some pretty not-so-awesome things to people at different occasions.
Writing on that specific book had to end as its pages were all finished and soaked up in all the colours ink is manufactured with, the appearance of the latest ex of mine and the birth of this blog.
I have a new beautiful black book now. It was also a present that I got on Christmas. It will get to witness extraordinary things, I am sure, and it will contribute to my writing skills, record of events and reflections.

Thank you, you.