Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Reflections on My Latest Relationship

This might be turned into a series, or not. I am not really sure.
I just like to write about this. It is so rich and layered and so very boring.

So, again....

I want to emphasize on the fact that I needed to reflect on everything regarding this issue individually ( the break-up, the ex, the relationship, the me I was with him...etc).
Let me tell you that I am friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. Very good friends with some of them as well. But I don't think this will be the case regarding this one in particular. We have been friends for a couple of years before we got together and we were together for another two. The kind of relationship we had was very solid as it was based upon friendship, for one, and two, I was in a time of my life where I needed to figure out the basis of building a solid relationship with another individual. Starting off with these 2 things in mind paved the way to a healthy relationship, it didn't last, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't successful when it stood.

The rest of this blog post is all seen in retrospect, I had none of the following observations when I was "in" the relationship.

Phase One: The Cuteness
The first three months were all very heavenly. Nothing mattered in this world except our "thing". We would hang out everyday, never get bored and always have something to share/do. This was the part where some of the greatest memories are born. This did happen. I remember certain things in full details. We wouldn't make plans unless they involved the both of us. This had an up and a down side to things towards the end, but we will get into the full details of that in time.
It was all very relaxed and easy. I would write beautiful words about him and he would eagerly try to figure me out. I was me, he was a little bit out of character but in a good way. There was a side of him that only needed some light to come out. Our relationship did exactly that to him and there he was, all happier and more hopeful. We basically started to merge our lives together, to have (us) and integrate that within our lives.
Most of our friends weren't very pleased with the impulsive decision on my side (it wasn't on his side at all, he had to talk to a few people about it). A couple of them even advised against it. We didn't care at all.

Phase Two: Seeing Little "Imperfections"
Six to eight months into the relationship I realized he is not perfect, I was not perfect but you fit together perfectly. I wanted to be with him, he wanted to be with me. We started playing the compromise game. We would cut off a meeting or cancel travel plans to spend all the time in the world together. We would work out budgetary issues to eat out most of the days, we had the same friends anyway, but I dragged him a little bit more into my family life and my other social circles. He graduated and got a job next to mine so we would meet up daily after work and spend the day together. This led to less and less time with friends and family. It also distracted us from thinking about our careers or our professional track. We would fight. but we would make up on the same day. I don't remember a day when we haven't talked or seen each other.

Phase Three: Support
Almost a year into the relationship, protests broke out. He has always been interested in political events. I have always been interested in human destiny and hoped for a better future for everybody and all that crap. We had very strong reasons to participate and join. We did just that.
I have memories of most of the "major" days starting the 25th of January 2011 all the way up until I have memories of protests alone without him. I was there most of the time, even the times he wished he was alone so he could "react" better to certain situations. Regardless, we were very supportive to each other but we neglected our relationship a little bit. We still wanted to be together and I could sense that, I could see that. He'd still make an effort, which motivated me to do twice the effort.

Phase Four: The Drifting
We got very busy. I would cut something I wanted to do off for me to be able to see him or talk to him but he would just keep piling things on his back. At one point he had:
1. A day job from 9 to 5
2. French courses 4 times a week straight after work
3. A Student activity at college
4. A Master's program in third language
5. An awareness initiative that required a lot of planning and travelling

I tried to explain this leaves no time for important things in life too like your friends and family, your welfare and most importantly - to me- us. My attempts were in vain.
I remember this one time we were at a friend's house it was July 2011, I think. After I had sensed the distance growing between us and tried to talk to him about it. I said that he has been neglecting (us), that a relationship needed work, that he wasn't doing in...etc. He told me he needed a break. My reaction to that was very weird. I told him I don't do breaks. We do this together or we break up here and now. We both couldn't understand what it meant to be apart at that time so we took all what has been said back and moved on. It wasn't until we went away with friends in September that I knew this was over. He would force himself to avoid me, would force himself to sit far from me, would force himself to avoid alone time with me. On the ride back home, he wouldn't sit next to me. I knew it was over then. Because I was crying on the ride back home and couldn't tell him, couldn't share what I had in mind, the crack was noticeable, yet I wasn't ready to confront it alone. I was too scared of his reaction to my feelings and that alone was another crack.

Phase Five: The Break-up
He found what he was looking for, something to do with his life and who am I to sustain a relationship that intense on my own. I kept gluing things, I kept making time to "be" in this relationship, I kept pushing him. He wouldn't respond. He was to go to Paris for a conference. We made plans to go to Paris together. I pulled some strings here and there and managed to do what I could with my passport and budget and things but I decided not to go. I was demotivated by a lot of things around me. He never gave out a vibe that he wants me to be there as much as I wanted him to. He went to Paris, he would work for complete days and not call or text, he would always be doing something else when I wanted to call him. He called me 3-4 times for his whole 7 days of stay. He needed time apart to realized that he hadn't missed me enough, that he hasn't thought about me enough and that he didn't love me any more.
He came back from Paris and we weren't able to properly "see" each other the whole week following his return. I called him and told him that I needed to talk to him. He came, he was tired and angry and mad. I kept pushing, he said it, he left.

I think I will be needing this relationship to sync in deeper for me to be able to reach conclusions about it. That will happen someday.

And regarding my previous post, I would like to point out that I am perfectly fine. I am learning my way around my new world and it has never been more exciting.
Until the next reflection,
Have a good one :)

1 comment:

  1. I have no doubt that you are and will be just fine- I just feel like giving you a ginormous hug though.