Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Reflections on My Latest Break-up

There has been a time when I would never have believed I will be writing such a post.
That time is over now and I can, somehow, see this as an experience I can judge as objectively as I will be able to.
This is not by any means the story of "us". This is merely a reflection of my phases following the break-up and how I dealt with them.

Phase One: The Total and Complete Mess I was Turned into in Seconds
I called for the "talk" to be honest, but I never thought It would develop into a break-up. It was mellow in a way and I was completely in shock to take any kind of reaction. I kept thinking to myself he would be back before I even notice he is gone so I let it be. I cried for a while, crashed at a friend's house because I wasn't physically capable of driving and went on crying my heart (and eyes) out of a week. A few of my friends suggested we go spend a few days away in Sinaii and we did just that. I realized I have never been to this place without him so I came to the conclusion that I needed to define my relationship with the places that I like regardless of his presence or lack thereof. My friends have been completely supportive, no one shut me up, no one held me back from becoming as pathetic as one can be and I will be forever grateful for that. I went back to Cairo and collapsed again. He happened to be at a friends house so I literally locked us up in a room for me to beg my way back to this. In vain. I cried some. He cried some. I realized and came to peace with the fact he is utterly emotionally retarded with the self destructive idea of " If I can convince myself I love you, I can also convince myself that I don't love you" which is a loop hole of shit that you keep swimming in, if you ask me.

Phase Two: The Hope
I began to bounce back 2 weeks into the break-up. I kept telling myself that this had to happen anyway. I began destroying the image I had preserved of him in my mind. I was sinking in a puddle of self loathing and pity. I was playing all the cards I had. I called for mediation from most of our friends, even his mom got her share of pathetic me. I was convinced that I was fighting for something I believed in and that that wasn't, at all, out of character for me. I started venting out in letters to him. They were 30 letters that I sent him via email each day. Protests and acts of violence broke out in Tahrir Square and near it. I wished he could just die there, maybe then I will get my proper closure. Didn't happen. And the letters were pointless too. I think he laughed about it with his new "friends" I suppose.
Regardless, I tried to talk to him again and went all psycho bitchy on his ass. I was driven by the fact I had to burn all bridges for me to never think about what "could've been". I started doing just that.

Phase Three: The Confusion
I started dealing with the fact that he is no longer there. He won't ever be there again. So I went out trying new things. Regardless of how "right" or "wrong" they could be.

Phase Four: Embracing Change
I began writing him off slowly as the days went by. I got used to driving alone, making after work plans on my own, seeing friends on my own, shopping, travel plans and most of my thinking alone too... I was on the right track. I was continuously learning things about myself and my interests. I began redefining my relationship with places, songs and mutual friends. I collected some of the things he bought me thought out the 2 years we've been together and gave them back. I told him they hang there like ghosts from the past, told him he didn't do them out of love, compared him to all my other exes, confronted him with the fact that he wasn't "all that" to begin with and summed it up by telling him this relationship was a whoring around experience for both of us that I do not cherish neither respect. LOVELY.

Phase Five: Learning to Convert from Hate to Apathy
I have managed to take some pretty hostile reactions thought out the course of the previously mentioned 4 phases(Like this time I told everyone I want to sell his heart in an Asian South Eastern black market and eat his liver as he watched) but then again I thought to myself that "hate" is not the answer. Hate and love are 2 feelings on the same meter. I needed to use a different meter to measure the distance between you and me and adjust it to my liking.
I needed the apathy and sympathy meter.
Or the apathetic and believer meter for that job.
Once I learned the correct meter to use I was, yet again, on the right track.

To sum it up, I am sure none of the things you just read is weird or out of the ordinary to you. It is the same old story. I just needed to write that down for me not to forget. I also needed to reach my very own conclusions as well.
I learned a few things on the way but I can't specify a certain phase in which I made such realizations:

1. Had he wanted to stay, nothing in this world could have kept him from it.
2. There is nothing wrong with me. Apparently random strangers find me attractive (a whole other blog post about that).
3. Always make time for yourself.
4. Karma will get you (actually an ex told me that when I telling him that story, Oops!)
5. Lavish in the misery of it. Listen to all the songs that will hurt, eat your feelings, drink your feelings... It all helps you heal.
6. By now, I think it is more about the timing than the person.
7. It will get to him and you shouldn't care about it anyway.
8. Friends are a blessing.
9. The surprises in store for you are worth the 3 weeks of total self pity (trust me).
10. Happens to everyone :)

Good day,

3 comments:

  1. What would someone say in such a situation..usually anyone would expect "Aww, hang in there" "Aww you will be fine" or "Aww, that A** Hole"
    Yet i think this post summed it up. In a way we live planning the moment to come as if its coming certainly, and when it fails to astonish us or tend to break us we get disappointed. I wont tell you its an experience that made you a better person, of course it did everyday is a new experience. But i will tell you this, Trust people they are not all that bad, and live by managing expectation It will spare you a lot of the trouble....
    That's it and nice post i enjoyed reading it

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you. All phases of you. Just thought i should say that. The strength always finds its way back

    ReplyDelete
  3. Did you know you can create short urls with AdFly and earn cash for every visit to your short links.

    ReplyDelete