ليه؟

لماذا إلهى تعذبنا بالقهوة الباردة و الحاجة إلى العطاء و استمتاعنا بالنبيذ؟

And He Said.....

among the chants, the cheers and the fighters, among the loud.
among banners and believers,
among all those emotions and inspirations,
among those who will protect and love you without knowing your name,
among the absolute and the abstract,


Inside my chest
Inside my throat, I speak your light.
Inside the space between me and my walls.

This is where you belong.

Not the Devil

Have.... to make.... peace...
Have to...
make....
Peace....

Have to make peace with the idea that it felt good at some point...

This sucks!

You Don't Have the Right

You don't get to call my name.
You don't get to remember details about (us).
You don't get to have any thought regarding (us) cross your mind.
If I could take (me) and (us) away from you I would,
but I can't...
I think I will have to live with the consequences of my bad decision for sometime.
I think this is time I did that...

P.S: I shouldn't have done the letters too.

كر و فر

يمكن ديه تكون محاولات مثير للشفقة فى قتل كل ما له علاقة ب(نا) يمكن تكون ديه محاولات مثيرة للشفقة فى قتل كل ما هو مقدس و خاص
مجرد محاولات....
و دعوات بالنجاح
محاولات للكتابة.....
و دعوات لل(إله) الذى كان و لن يكون ثانيةً

Reflections on My Latest Relationship

This might be turned into a series, or not. I am not really sure.
I just like to write about this. It is so rich and layered and so very boring.

So, again....

I want to emphasize on the fact that I needed to reflect on everything regarding this issue individually ( the break-up, the ex, the relationship, the me I was with him...etc).
Let me tell you that I am friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. Very good friends with some of them as well. But I don't think this will be the case regarding this one in particular. We have been friends for a couple of years before we got together and we were together for another two. The kind of relationship we had was very solid as it was based upon friendship, for one, and two, I was in a time of my life where I needed to figure out the basis of building a solid relationship with another individual. Starting off with these 2 things in mind paved the way to a healthy relationship, it didn't last, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't successful when it stood.

The rest of this blog post is all seen in retrospect, I had none of the following observations when I was "in" the relationship.

Phase One: The Cuteness
The first three months were all very heavenly. Nothing mattered in this world except our "thing". We would hang out everyday, never get bored and always have something to share/do. This was the part where some of the greatest memories are born. This did happen. I remember certain things in full details. We wouldn't make plans unless they involved the both of us. This had an up and a down side to things towards the end, but we will get into the full details of that in time.
It was all very relaxed and easy. I would write beautiful words about him and he would eagerly try to figure me out. I was me, he was a little bit out of character but in a good way. There was a side of him that only needed some light to come out. Our relationship did exactly that to him and there he was, all happier and more hopeful. We basically started to merge our lives together, to have (us) and integrate that within our lives.
Most of our friends weren't very pleased with the impulsive decision on my side (it wasn't on his side at all, he had to talk to a few people about it). A couple of them even advised against it. We didn't care at all.

Phase Two: Seeing Little "Imperfections"
Six to eight months into the relationship I realized he is not perfect, I was not perfect but you fit together perfectly. I wanted to be with him, he wanted to be with me. We started playing the compromise game. We would cut off a meeting or cancel travel plans to spend all the time in the world together. We would work out budgetary issues to eat out most of the days, we had the same friends anyway, but I dragged him a little bit more into my family life and my other social circles. He graduated and got a job next to mine so we would meet up daily after work and spend the day together. This led to less and less time with friends and family. It also distracted us from thinking about our careers or our professional track. We would fight. but we would make up on the same day. I don't remember a day when we haven't talked or seen each other.

Phase Three: Support
Almost a year into the relationship, protests broke out. He has always been interested in political events. I have always been interested in human destiny and hoped for a better future for everybody and all that crap. We had very strong reasons to participate and join. We did just that.
I have memories of most of the "major" days starting the 25th of January 2011 all the way up until I have memories of protests alone without him. I was there most of the time, even the times he wished he was alone so he could "react" better to certain situations. Regardless, we were very supportive to each other but we neglected our relationship a little bit. We still wanted to be together and I could sense that, I could see that. He'd still make an effort, which motivated me to do twice the effort.

Phase Four: The Drifting
We got very busy. I would cut something I wanted to do off for me to be able to see him or talk to him but he would just keep piling things on his back. At one point he had:
1. A day job from 9 to 5
2. French courses 4 times a week straight after work
3. A Student activity at college
4. A Master's program in third language
5. An awareness initiative that required a lot of planning and travelling

I tried to explain this leaves no time for important things in life too like your friends and family, your welfare and most importantly - to me- us. My attempts were in vain.
I remember this one time we were at a friend's house it was July 2011, I think. After I had sensed the distance growing between us and tried to talk to him about it. I said that he has been neglecting (us), that a relationship needed work, that he wasn't doing in...etc. He told me he needed a break. My reaction to that was very weird. I told him I don't do breaks. We do this together or we break up here and now. We both couldn't understand what it meant to be apart at that time so we took all what has been said back and moved on. It wasn't until we went away with friends in September that I knew this was over. He would force himself to avoid me, would force himself to sit far from me, would force himself to avoid alone time with me. On the ride back home, he wouldn't sit next to me. I knew it was over then. Because I was crying on the ride back home and couldn't tell him, couldn't share what I had in mind, the crack was noticeable, yet I wasn't ready to confront it alone. I was too scared of his reaction to my feelings and that alone was another crack.

Phase Five: The Break-up
He found what he was looking for, something to do with his life and who am I to sustain a relationship that intense on my own. I kept gluing things, I kept making time to "be" in this relationship, I kept pushing him. He wouldn't respond. He was to go to Paris for a conference. We made plans to go to Paris together. I pulled some strings here and there and managed to do what I could with my passport and budget and things but I decided not to go. I was demotivated by a lot of things around me. He never gave out a vibe that he wants me to be there as much as I wanted him to. He went to Paris, he would work for complete days and not call or text, he would always be doing something else when I wanted to call him. He called me 3-4 times for his whole 7 days of stay. He needed time apart to realized that he hadn't missed me enough, that he hasn't thought about me enough and that he didn't love me any more.
He came back from Paris and we weren't able to properly "see" each other the whole week following his return. I called him and told him that I needed to talk to him. He came, he was tired and angry and mad. I kept pushing, he said it, he left.

I think I will be needing this relationship to sync in deeper for me to be able to reach conclusions about it. That will happen someday.

And regarding my previous post, I would like to point out that I am perfectly fine. I am learning my way around my new world and it has never been more exciting.
Until the next reflection,
Have a good one :)

Reflections on My Latest Break-up

There has been a time when I would never have believed I will be writing such a post.
That time is over now and I can, somehow, see this as an experience I can judge as objectively as I will be able to.
This is not by any means the story of "us". This is merely a reflection of my phases following the break-up and how I dealt with them.

Phase One: The Total and Complete Mess I was Turned into in Seconds
I called for the "talk" to be honest, but I never thought It would develop into a break-up. It was mellow in a way and I was completely in shock to take any kind of reaction. I kept thinking to myself he would be back before I even notice he is gone so I let it be. I cried for a while, crashed at a friend's house because I wasn't physically capable of driving and went on crying my heart (and eyes) out of a week. A few of my friends suggested we go spend a few days away in Sinaii and we did just that. I realized I have never been to this place without him so I came to the conclusion that I needed to define my relationship with the places that I like regardless of his presence or lack thereof. My friends have been completely supportive, no one shut me up, no one held me back from becoming as pathetic as one can be and I will be forever grateful for that. I went back to Cairo and collapsed again. He happened to be at a friends house so I literally locked us up in a room for me to beg my way back to this. In vain. I cried some. He cried some. I realized and came to peace with the fact he is utterly emotionally retarded with the self destructive idea of " If I can convince myself I love you, I can also convince myself that I don't love you" which is a loop hole of shit that you keep swimming in, if you ask me.

Phase Two: The Hope
I began to bounce back 2 weeks into the break-up. I kept telling myself that this had to happen anyway. I began destroying the image I had preserved of him in my mind. I was sinking in a puddle of self loathing and pity. I was playing all the cards I had. I called for mediation from most of our friends, even his mom got her share of pathetic me. I was convinced that I was fighting for something I believed in and that that wasn't, at all, out of character for me. I started venting out in letters to him. They were 30 letters that I sent him via email each day. Protests and acts of violence broke out in Tahrir Square and near it. I wished he could just die there, maybe then I will get my proper closure. Didn't happen. And the letters were pointless too. I think he laughed about it with his new "friends" I suppose.
Regardless, I tried to talk to him again and went all psycho bitchy on his ass. I was driven by the fact I had to burn all bridges for me to never think about what "could've been". I started doing just that.

Phase Three: The Confusion
I started dealing with the fact that he is no longer there. He won't ever be there again. So I went out trying new things. Regardless of how "right" or "wrong" they could be.

Phase Four: Embracing Change
I began writing him off slowly as the days went by. I got used to driving alone, making after work plans on my own, seeing friends on my own, shopping, travel plans and most of my thinking alone too... I was on the right track. I was continuously learning things about myself and my interests. I began redefining my relationship with places, songs and mutual friends. I collected some of the things he bought me thought out the 2 years we've been together and gave them back. I told him they hang there like ghosts from the past, told him he didn't do them out of love, compared him to all my other exes, confronted him with the fact that he wasn't "all that" to begin with and summed it up by telling him this relationship was a whoring around experience for both of us that I do not cherish neither respect. LOVELY.

Phase Five: Learning to Convert from Hate to Apathy
I have managed to take some pretty hostile reactions thought out the course of the previously mentioned 4 phases(Like this time I told everyone I want to sell his heart in an Asian South Eastern black market and eat his liver as he watched) but then again I thought to myself that "hate" is not the answer. Hate and love are 2 feelings on the same meter. I needed to use a different meter to measure the distance between you and me and adjust it to my liking.
I needed the apathy and sympathy meter.
Or the apathetic and believer meter for that job.
Once I learned the correct meter to use I was, yet again, on the right track.

To sum it up, I am sure none of the things you just read is weird or out of the ordinary to you. It is the same old story. I just needed to write that down for me not to forget. I also needed to reach my very own conclusions as well.
I learned a few things on the way but I can't specify a certain phase in which I made such realizations:

1. Had he wanted to stay, nothing in this world could have kept him from it.
2. There is nothing wrong with me. Apparently random strangers find me attractive (a whole other blog post about that).
3. Always make time for yourself.
4. Karma will get you (actually an ex told me that when I telling him that story, Oops!)
5. Lavish in the misery of it. Listen to all the songs that will hurt, eat your feelings, drink your feelings... It all helps you heal.
6. By now, I think it is more about the timing than the person.
7. It will get to him and you shouldn't care about it anyway.
8. Friends are a blessing.
9. The surprises in store for you are worth the 3 weeks of total self pity (trust me).
10. Happens to everyone :)

Good day,

What 2012 Had to Show Me on Its First Week

I found a treasure in my room that other day. Hidden between my books was a little black book I got as my 20th birthday present. I remember the day I got it, I remember full details of the day. The people I was with, the streets we roamed and more precisely the kind of feelings floating in between us.
Had anyone told me where each of the 5 people who were there on that day would be now, I wouldn't have believed it in a million years.
Leaving out all of the details of how these people have changed and grown in different directions (as this is very boring and uninteresting), I would like to talk about the black book in itself.

It was a full documentation of many things in my life and many things I was going through but most importantly, it kept record of all the flings/relationships/temptations/rebounds/misleading crap from my 20th year up to my 22nd. Tarrraaaa.... As my doctor friend would refer to these kind of things I quote "Funny shit".
It is amazing how history repeats itself in anyway it can. It needs to fulfill itself, to settle its accounts and then goes away to find the next victim.

To me, the amount of things that karma still has something to say to me about are plenty to be honest. I have done some pretty not-so-awesome things to people at different occasions.
Writing on that specific book had to end as its pages were all finished and soaked up in all the colours ink is manufactured with, the appearance of the latest ex of mine and the birth of this blog.
I have a new beautiful black book now. It was also a present that I got on Christmas. It will get to witness extraordinary things, I am sure, and it will contribute to my writing skills, record of events and reflections.

Thank you, you.